When will it end? Will this feeling ever go away? I asked myself as unforgiveness tried to cling back on my heart. I asked God why it seemed that the bitterness and unforgiveness were this giant mountain that loomed behind me. With one picture or one circumstance I could get a flood of all those emotions and pains of the past. But I wanted to be free! I wanted to forgive! Why will this not go away?
I see forgiveness as a choice. A choice that I must consistently make. I can allow an offense to rob me from my peace or I can let go and move forward. I can allow pain to steal my joy or I can take a step and give it to God. Forgiveness is not saying what someone did to you is okay. It is not a passive act of weakness. Forgiveness is letting go of a debt someone could never repay you. Forgiveness takes strength. It takes time. Allow yourself time. It takes consistency. Make the daily choice.
We all process trials and afflictions differently. But when I am wronged or really hurt I tend to build a wall. This usually is not an overnight wall either. I put brick by brick up each time it hurts, each memory, each harsh word. And next thing you know I have this huge wall that has hardened my heart in that certain area. Walls seems great at first. They numb you. That person, that thing can not get past the barriers you built up. But then you start to realize nothing else gets past that barrier.
I started to see that the pain turned bitter and infected. God wasn’t reaching into that area because of that wall I put up in defense. I made the choice to close it off from everyone, even Him. Because even thinking about it hurt, if I could avoid it why not. But there was no avoiding it, it just changed its name. Pain to anger. Anger to bitterness. Bitterness to hate. Sometimes recognizing the hurt is the first part to receive the healing. I know that I needed God to help me to forgive, that alone I could definitely not do it.
I cried out to Him for help in this matter, I came to this scripture. Jeremiah 23:29, “Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?” There is no wall that God could not break down. No lie that He could not set ablaze. He has the power to reach EVERY single area in my heart. It was up to me to let Him in. To ask Him for help. To let Him tear down the wall. His word can break through any wall you have built.
Once I prayed to God and asked Him to break the wall, to heal my heart in the area the process started. Key word here process. That I did not want I wanted an instant fix. I wanted one prayer to heal me and never have to think about it again. That however was not the case. Just like it took time for my heart to become hardened it was going to take time for it to become soft again.
Take the time. Do not rush the process. Do not not be so hard on yourself.
Dip into the past. Look into that hurt that keeps trying to come back up. Continually choose to lay it down. Choose surrender. God gives you new grace and mercy every single morning. Lamentations 3:22-23, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
He is faithful to help you every single step of the way. You can have true freedom from this offense, this hurt. Expose it, and with Jesus take the time to receive healing in that area. Do not seek to pacify or to numb the hurt. It is time to receive true freedom from your past. Give Him permission to break down your walls. He has already called you victorious.